Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.